Is Insecurity to Blame for Toxic Relationships?

A sense of security is vital for facing the world with confidence. A lack of it often stems from issues within our family of origin, where caregivers failed to provide enough reassurance to their children. This insecurity can impact how a person builds relationships later in life. In severe cases, it can lead to social isolation or turning into an "obsessive partner" (sometimes called a toxic partner). Seeking psychological support is often a wise step.

What is a Sense of Security?

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, security ranks as the second fundamental requirement after physiological needs. It describes the need for personal safety, stability in life, and freedom from pain, threats, or illness. We must possess this sense of security before we can pursue higher goals, eventually reaching the top tier of self-actualisation.

The field of psychology suggests that a person's sense of security is influenced by both objective and subjective factors, as well as internal and external elements. Our psychological resilience—our ability to cope with stress—is built upon this foundation of security. It gives us the confidence to adapt, recover, and handle adversity when difficulties arise.

Signs of Insecurity

Insecure people may function normally at work and in social settings, but an inner sense of lack can affect their ability to form intimate relationships. Their emotions tend to be more volatile than those who feel secure. Characteristics of insecurity include:

Frequently feeling threatened or perceiving the world as unfair or dangerous
Prone to tension, anxiety, and restlessness
Hesitating to express oneself or engage socially
Struggling to build stable, intimate relationships
Low resilience, easily succumbing to despair when faced with setbacks

Security Within Family, Friends, and Partners

From the moment we are born, we generally first establish a sense of security with our primary caregiver. Many psychologists and psychiatrists agree that building a secure relationship with a primary caregiver during infancy is crucial. It significantly shapes a child's future personality and provides a positive blueprint they can replicate to build secure relationships with others later in life.

According to the attachment experiments conducted by American psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, researchers observed interactions between mothers and their approximately one-year-old children through a two-way mirror in a laboratory setting. During the experiment, the mother would briefly leave the room and then return. Ainsworth noted that it is normal for children to feel anxious when their mother leaves. Following her return, the children's reactions were categorised into three types:

Secure Attachment: The child cries when the mother leaves but is quickly comforted upon her return.
Anxious-ambivalent Attachment: The child is highly distressed in the new environment, resists exploration, and remains inconsolable even after the mother returns.
Avoidant Attachment: The child appears indifferent both when the mother leaves and upon her return.

Both anxious-ambivalent and avoidant attachment styles indicate a lack of security.

Being an obsessive partner or having no friends: Is insecurity to blame?

Carrying these childhood attachment styles forward, if our caregivers and environment didn't make us feel safe, or if many needs went unmet growing up, we might constantly use the following three methods in adult relationships to confirm we are worthy of love and to reclaim a sense of security:

Constantly seeking praise to feel affirmed.
Persistently seeking validation in daily life or relationships, often at the expense of personal well-being.
Struggling with boundaries, requiring complete emotional enmeshment with others to feel supported.

The so-called "obsessive partner" (or "terror lover" in direct translation), or the loner who seems normal but has no friends, often stems from this childhood lack of security. This leads to a need to cling tightly to someone or constant worry about the relationship—fearing abandonment at any moment. This can result in refusing to break up or, conversely, avoiding relationships altogether. Individuals lacking a sense of security might exhibit the following behaviours:

Excessive need for control, monitoring a partner’s or friend’s actions
Constantly doubting others’ feelings, worrying about abandonment
Overreacting to constructive criticism, viewing it as rejection
Difficulty trusting others, preferring self-reliance
People-pleasing tendencies, often compromising personal needs
Extreme fear of separation, feeling as though their world is collapsing

How Can We Boost Our Sense Of Security?

Even if your childhood lacked secure attachments, it is possible to cultivate security as an adult through reflection and intentional practice.

The Locus of Control theory, introduced by American psychologist Julian Bernard Rotter, explains how individuals interpret the source of control over events and outcomes in their lives. It divides people into two categories: Internal Locus of Control and External Locus of Control.

Internal Locus of Control: These individuals believe their actions directly influence outcomes.
External Locus of Control: These individuals attribute outcomes to external factors, such as environmental circumstances or fate.

Take a colleague getting a promotion as an example: An "external" person might think they just got lucky or the environment favoured them. An "internal" person would think that if they work a bit harder, or move to another company, they will have the same chance of promotion.

As we can see, if you tend to believe your actions can control results, your sense of security will be higher, and you'll be more proactive in facing life's challenges. Conversely, "external" people are better at accepting variables and letting go; they don't get as stressed by failure because they don't view it as entirely their own fault.

If you have family of origin issues or childhood trauma, you can try Inner Child Work:

Identify the Painful Experience
Set aside quiet time to reflect on past events, especially those involving feelings of abandonment or fear. Recall every detail patiently.
Feel your current self there
Visualise your childhood self in those moments of pain. Imagine who you are today stepping into the scene to comfort and support your younger self.
Learn to soothe the inner child
Remind yourself, “I’m grown now, and I can take care of myself.” Approach your younger self as a compassionate adult, expressing understanding and offering reassurance that they are not alone.

If these reflections trigger overwhelming emotions, it may indicate deeply rooted trauma. In such cases, professional guidance from a psychiatrist or psychologist is highly recommended.

Advice from OT&P Healthcare

A sense of security is integral to facing the world with confidence. A lack of it can affect how a person builds relationships in adulthood. You are welcome to book an appointment with our psychiatrists or psychologists for further enquiries.

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References

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Thoughts 異吐司想toasty. (n.d.-b). 安全感是什麼？又要如何獲得？──《找回100%安全感：情場與人際的正向依附練習》. PanSci 泛科學. Retrieved March 6, 2023, from https://pansci.asia/archives/186847.
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