Circle of Security Parenting: Managing Exam Stress and Supporting Mental Health

Exams are no longer just a challenge for children—they’ve become a major source of psychological stress for entire families. During exam season, both children and parents often experience emotional fluctuations due to accumulated academic pressure. Does this sound familiar?

We spoke with Dr Sheila Chan, a specialist in psychiatry, to explore how exam stress affects the mental health of Hong Kong students and parents. We also examined how the Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) approach can provide effective support, helping parents better understand and respond to their children's emotional needs while strengthening resilience to stress.

Causes and Effects of Exam Stress 

Exam stress arises from multiple factors. With increasing globalisation and the high value placed on academic achievement in Chinese societies, parents tend to have elevated expectations for their children. Since parents significantly shape their children’s environment, their attitudes toward academic success can influence how children perceive exams.

When parents prioritise academic results and continually push their children, studying can dominate a child’s time and self-worth may become tied to their grades. As exams approach, children may feel intense anxiety or fear that poor performance will lead to parental disappointment. This mindset erodes self-confidence and, in the long run, can negatively affect parent-child relationships.

Dr Chan also stressed the importance of recognising parental stress. Many parents experience anxiety over their children's academic performance—some even viewing their children's results as a reflection of their own success as caregivers. If a child struggles academically, parents may feel guilty, believing they haven't done enough to support them. These emotions, while understandable, can unintentionally raise expectations and further burden the child.

Recognising Emotional Distress

The classic film I Not Stupid reflects a common reality—many parents don't realise the pressure they place on their children, thinking that constant urging is necessary for them to work hard. Recognising personal stress is the first step to regulating it. Signs of stress include physical symptoms like muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, flushing, headaches, or changes in appetite. Chronic stress can harm the mental well-being of both parents and children, making minor conflicts more likely and emotional regulation more difficult.

If emotional distress seems limited to exam seasons, adjusting your mindset may help. However, if distress persists, professional support may be beneficial.

How COSP Strengthens Parent-Child Relationships

Dr Chan explained that Circle of Security Parenting is a parenting approach rooted in attachment theory. It helps parents understand and respond to their children's emotional needs, fostering secure attachments and supporting confidence, empathy, and self-regulation.

Studies show that a child's resilience and long-term mental health are closely linked to the quality of their parent-child relationship. Strong childhood relationships promote better physical and mental well-being, as well as greater resilience to stress.

1. Offering a Sense of Security

Parents can reinforce that a child’s worth is not solely determined by academic performance. Their love and support remain unwavering, even in the face of exam setbacks. This unconditional acceptance promotes emotional stability, allowing children to trust in their intrinsic value regardless of test scores. This belief strengthens resilience and improves stress management.

2. Accepting Mistakes and Repairing Relationships

COSP highlights that relationships don’t need to be perfect—there is room for mistakes. Even when parents lose their temper under stress, what truly matters is how the relationship is repaired afterward.

For instance, parents can sincerely apologise, explain the emotions they were experiencing, and reassure their children of their love. This repair process rebuilds emotional security and teaches a healthy perspective on relationships—conflicts are normal and can be resolved through communication. Experiencing both conflict and reconciliation helps children become less fearful of disagreements and more willing to express their true feelings.

3. Supporting Emotional Expression 

When children feel anxious or disappointed, parents should listen patiently and encourage them to articulate their emotions. Instead of trying to immediately “fix” negative feelings, parents should acknowledge and face them together with their children. This active listening helps children feel understood and reduces their emotional burden.

Practical Tips for Managing Exam Stress

1. Emphasising a Broader Definition of Success

Parents can help children recognise that success isn't solely defined by grades—skills like creativity, problem-solving, and strong relationships are equally valuable. Embracing diverse values can ease pressure and prevent children from equating self-worth with academic achievement.

2. Managing Personal Emotions

Parents can work on regulating their own emotions to avoid transferring stress onto their children. If you feel tense, step away briefly, take deep breaths, or engage in activities that help you relax. Once calm, communicate with your child to prevent unnecessary conflict.

3. Seeking Professional Support

If you or your child experience persistent exam-related distress, consider seeking counselling or therapy. Early intervention can prevent emotional challenges from escalating.

Conclusion

Exam stress is a reality for many families, but the Circle of Security Parenting approach offers valuable emotional support. By helping children build resilience and cope with stress, parents play a vital role in their mental well-being. Beyond grades, the true lesson in exams is learning how to handle pressure, accept setbacks, and grow from them.

Let’s create a nurturing, supportive family environment where children's emotional health and academic success can thrive together.

If emotional distress persists, don’t hesitate to consult a paediatrician or psychiatrist for guidance.

Read More

• Understanding Parenting Styles in Hong Kong: Finding Balance Between Tradition and Modernity
• Understanding self-harm in children
• Discussing Self-Injury & Suicidal Thoughts with Children

References

1. Circle of Security International. (2022). What is The Circle of Security?. Available at: <https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/circle-of-security-model/what-is-the-circle-of-security/>[Accessed 29 May 2025].

2. Rothwell, J.T. and Davoodi, T. (2024). Parent-child relationship quality predicts higher subjective well-being in adulthood across a diverse group of countries. Communications Psychology, 2(1). doi:https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00161-x.

3. Kennison, S.M. and Spooner, V.H. (2020). Childhood relationships with parents and attachment as predictors of resilience in young adults. Journal of Family Studies, 29(1), pp.1–13. doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2020.1861968.