Couples Therapy in Hong Kong: Breaking Negative Communication Cycles

Written by Shirley Hung‑Truchot

Living in Hong Kong often means navigating long working hours, high expectations, small living space, and frequent transitions. For many couples, these pressures can quietly build up and spill over into intimate relationships. Communication can become strained, misunderstandings increase, and the same arguments may repeat again and again without resolution. Many couples seeking couples therapy in Hong Kong describe feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure where to start even when they want to strength their relationship.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and outlined in her book Seven Conversations for a Love of a Lifetime, offers a clear and compassionate way to understand these struggles. Rather than viewing conflict as a sign of incompatibility, EFT sees relationship distress as the result of negative communication cycles that emerge when the emotional bond feels threatened.

Understanding these cycles—known as “Demon Dialogues”—is often the first step toward meaningful change in couples therapy.

What Are Demon Dialogues in Emotionally Focused Therapy?

In EFT couples therapy, Demon Dialogues are predictable patterns of interaction that couples fall into when stress, fear, or disconnection takes over. These patterns are not caused by bad intentions or a lack of love. Instead, they are driven by unmet attachment needs such as safety, reassurance, and emotional closeness.

Below are three of the most common Demon Dialogues seen in couples therapy, along with EFT‑based strategies for stepping out of them.

Find the Bad Guy: A Common Negative Communication Cycle

The “Find the Bad Guy” pattern occurs when couples become stuck in blaming and defensiveness. Each partner reacts quickly, focusing on protecting themselves rather than understanding the other. Over time, this cycle becomes automatic, making conflict escalate faster and feel more intense. In this cycle, the problem is no longer the original issue, it is the pattern of how the couple talk to each other.

How couples can break this cycle:

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples shift from blaming each other to identifying the negative cycle as the shared enemy. Naming the pattern in real time—such as “We’re blaming each other again”—can slow the interaction down. When couples learn to slow down against the cycle, it can soften the defensiveness and have more curiosity towards each other.

Protest Polka: The Pursue–Withdraw Pattern in Relationships

The Protest Polka is one of the most common patterns seen in EFT couples therapy. One partner reaches out or pushes for connection, often feeling anxious or unheard. The other partner withdraws, shuts down, or avoids the conversation, usually feeling overwhelmed, criticized, or afraid of making things worse. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws.

How couples can break this cycle:

EFT helps couples explore the underlying emotions driving these reactive behaviours. The pursuing partner’s behavior is often rooted in panic and fear of losing connection. The withdrawing partner’s response is often driven by fear, shame, or a sense of failure. When these emotions are named and validated in couples therapy, the interaction begins to soften and partners can respond to each other with greater understanding and empathy

Freeze and Flee: Emotional Shutdown and Disconnection

Freeze and Flee often develops after the Protest Polka has gone on for too long. The partner who once reached out gives up, and both partners emotionally shut down. Communication becomes minimal, and the relationship feels distant, tense, or indifferent. Many couples worry that this stage means the relationship is beyond repair.

How couples can break this cycle:

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples gently explore the emotions beneath the shut down, silence, such as grief, loneliness, or fear of rejection. Instead of focusing on conflict, therapy supports partners in expressing longing, vulnerability, and unmet needs. Often, couples discover that the emotional bond is not gone, it has simply been buried under layers of protection and hurt.

How Couples Therapy in Hong Kong Helps Break the Cycle

Couples therapy, particularly EFT couples therapy, helps partners step out of these automatic patterns by slowing interactions down and making the negative cycle visible. Working with a trained couples therapist provides a safe and intentional space to understand emotional triggers, attachment needs, and reactive behaviors.

Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, EFT focuses on creating emotional safety. Couples learn how to express vulnerability instead of blame or withdrawal, and how to respond with curiosity and reassurance rather than defensiveness. Over time, this helps rebuild trust, emotional connection, and a sense of security in the relationship.

This approach can be especially helpful for couples in Hong Kong, couples under chronic stress or major life transitions such as parenthood and relocation, or those who feel they have “tried everything” but still feel stuck.

Final Thoughts: EFT and Emotional Connection in Relationships

Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that love is an attachment bond. When that bond feels threatened, people do not become distant or critical because they do not care; they do so because they are afraid. Demon Dialogues are not signs that a relationship has failed; they are signs that the relationship needs emotional safety, understanding, and responsiveness.

With the right support, couples can learn to recognize these patterns, respond differently, and create a more secure and connected relationship.

Couples Therapy in Hong Kong

If you recognize these communication patterns in your own relationship, you are not alone. Couples therapy in Hong Kong can offer a supportive space to understand what is happening beneath the conflict and begin rebuilding emotional connection. Working with an EFT‑trained couples therapist can help you break negative cycles and strengthen your relationship. You are welcome to get in touch to enquire about couples therapy or book an initial consultation with OT&P.