Emotional Blackmail: Signs, Examples & Coping Strategies

"Emotional blackmail" is a buzzword we’re hearing more often these days. In the context of relationships, it refers to a dynamic where one person—consciously or unconsciously—uses direct or roundabout methods to make the other feel threatened, obligated, or guilty, thereby controlling their behaviors. Being trapped in a relationship defined by emotional blackmail for a long period can severely impact a person’s mental health and daily life. Seeking psychological support is often advisable.

What is Emotional Blackmail?

The term "Emotional Blackmail" has been recorded in use since 1947, but it was popularised and fully fleshed out by renowned psychologist Susan Forward in her 1997 book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. The book explains that emotional blackmail is characterised by an individual using another person's emotions and feelings to instill fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG). This is done to control the victim's behaviours or to persuade them to see things from the blackmailer's perspective.

The 4 Main Types of Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail generally falls into four categories, which are all too common in daily life:

The Punisher
If you don't do exactly as they say, this type of blackmailer will manipulate you through direct or indirect violence and negative emotions. For example, a child might be beaten for bad grades, or a partner might become verbally abusive or physically violent if you don't "toe the line".
The Self-Punisher
This type doesn't threaten to hurt you; they threaten to hurt themselves. They control you through fear and guilt. For instance, during a breakup, the partner being left might say, "If you leave me, my life has no meaning," or "I haven't been able to eat, I’ve lost 10kg... if I keep losing weight and die, maybe that’s for the best."
The Sufferer
This type plays the victim card, relying on your sense of guilt or duty to get their way. Examples include: "If you emigrate, I’ll just move into an old people's home and wait to die alone," or "Go ahead, leave. I’ll just eat one meal a day; I won't starve to death."

Another example can be seen in a sociopolitical context: imagine a government refusing to close borders during an epidemic, allowing carriers of the virus to enter. When medical staff attempt to strike to force a border closure, the government might morally judge them for "abandoning their duty to save lives," pressuring them to return to work out of public scrutiny and a guilty conscience.

The Tantalizer
This is the most calculating type. Initially, they may offer you a reward or benefit to get you to comply. However, once you agree, their demands increase, eventually becoming overwhelming. For example: "The company has taught you so much; if you stay and help out, I’ll promote you." You work hard to support the company, but next time the boss says, "Business is tough right now. Just wait another six months, and I’ll definitely make it up to you." The cycle simply repeats.

Examples of Emotional Blackmail

Because emotional blackmail exploits emotions and feelings, it usually occurs in close relationships involving parents, elders, partners, or friends. Here are some common phrases identified in surveys (specifically from Taiwan):

I wish I’d never given birth to you.
A common phrase from emotionally blackmailing parents. This negates a person's very existence. Said to a young child, it can cause lifelong trauma, making them feel they were unwanted from the start.
You think you're all grown up now," "You need to be filial," "Parents can do no wrong.
Parents often struggle when children have different views, dismissing them with, "You think your wings are hard now?" (a Cantonese idiom meaning you think you're big enough to fly the nest/arrogant), unwilling to admit the child has grown up or might be smarter than them. When children pull away, parents might use "filial piety" to bind them with traditional values, or claim "No parents are in the wrong" to avoid apologising for mistakes.
I’ve sacrificed so much for you
Parents or partners often bring this up during arguments. The goal is to make the other person feel guilty. The victim ends up wondering, "Am I really a terrible person?"
If it wasn't for you...
When things go wrong, it’s easy to blame those closest to us. For example, expressing dissatisfaction with life by telling a partner: "It’s all your fault. If it wasn't for you, I could have emigrated/bought a flat ages ago.
It’s for your own good.
Whether it’s parents or partners, wanting someone to do something or change a habit is often framed as being "for your own good," forcefully imposing their expectations onto the other person.

Were You the Victim?

Some people can easily brush off emotional blackmail, while others constantly give in, leading to unhappiness. Psychologists point out that those susceptible to emotional blackmail often share these traits:

Overly concerned with others' feelings
A habit of self-doubt
Inability to refuse unreasonable requests
A constant need for validation

Parental Emotional Blackmail

Hina’s Father (Forced marriage pressure)

A verified feature article in Hong Kong published online told a story about how a father’s pressure to marry a first cousin can shift from “family advice” into guilt, shame, and threats—making refusal feel like betrayal.

“It was better to give birth to a dog than giving birth to you.”
“I should not have let you receive education.”

From Hina’s account, the situation involved ongoing family pressure and emotional blackmail around the proposed marriage, rather than just a one-time discussion.

Schopenhauer’s Mother

Arthur Schopenhauer, the German philosopher famous for his pessimism, had a mother who was a writer. After his father died, she continued attending social events and mingling with men, which disgusted Schopenhauer; he accused her of not behaving as a widow should. His mother, however, dismissed his accusations. In letters to her son, she played the 'Sufferer', turning the blame back onto him:

"Your grim face and the bizarre theories you spout like an oracle, brooking no argument, put me under huge pressure... they give me nightmares when I just want a good night's sleep."
"Don't write to me. I won't read your letters or reply. You have hurt me too deeply. Go and live your happy life!"

How to Avoid Being Emotionally Blackmailed?

To refuse emotional blackmail, we must first recognise the behaviour and the type of blackmail being used. Then, assess: Are you in danger? Can the other person communicate rationally? How are you feeling? If you find that every conversation with a certain person triggers anger—even if they are your parents—you can choose to pause the conversation, state your feelings, or even "cut ties" (Declutter/Danshari) to end an unhealthy relationship.

If the situation involves threats of suicide (e.g., during a breakup), you should request support from others; do not go to persuade them alone, as your presence might agitate them further. If you truly cannot help in the moment, try to sincerely explain your difficulties and set a specific time when you can accompany them, but only face the situation when you have the energy to do so.

Steps to Handle Emotional Blackmail:

Identify the blackmail behaviour (threats, verbal abuse, playing the victim).
Assess if you are in danger and if the other person is capable of rational communication.
Protect your physical safety.
Seek external help and emotional support.
Take action, such as attempting effective communication or ending the unhealthy relationship.
Regain your freedom and independence.

When supporting someone who frequently emotionally blackmails you, remind yourself: even though you care about them, neither their emotions nor their life is your responsibility. Everyone must be responsible for their own life.

Once you learn to distinguish emotional blackmail behaviours, you can stop allowing your family, elders, or partners to manipulate your life. You can regain your self-confidence, freedom and independence, becoming a better version of yourself.

OT&P Medical Advice

Emotional blackmail is very common in interpersonal relationships, especially with those closest to us, and its impact can be profound. Long-term emotional blackmail from parents can lead to emotional issues, affecting relationships, quality of life, and work efficiency, creating a vicious cycle. It is not an easy issue that is readily apparent or easy to deal with personally but if you wish to learn more about methods to resolve emotional blackmail, please book an appointment with our psychiatrists, psychologists or psychotherapists for further consultation.

References

A letter from your mother. (2020, August 20). The Human Front. https://www.thehumanfront.com/pocketsized-a-letter-from-your-mother/
Joy. (2021, September 26). 妥協情緒勒索不是愛！3步驟找回你的主控權. Worldgymtaiwan.com. https://blog.worldgymtaiwan.com/the-ways-to-handle-emotional-blackmail
木田元. (2017, June 15). 大哲學家的家庭一定幸福美滿嗎？看看尼采、叔本華的故事，就知道家家有本難念的經. 風傳媒. https://www.storm.mg/lifestyle/280341?page=1
網路溫度計. (2021, February 17). 「早知道就不要生你了！」盤點10大常見情緒勒索金句，聽完讓人心累又窒息. 風傳媒. https://www.storm.mg/lifestyle/3481401?page=2
讀書好｜疫症爆發勿被恐慌情緒支配冷血政權情緒勒索逼市民聽話. (2020, October 6). 蘋果日報. https://collection.news/appledaily/articles/5IQNDHKWDH3CHIDFDFASWGHYP
Hong Kong Free Press. (2024) Families at war: The Hong Kong women whose parents pressured them into forced marriages. Retrieved 2 March 2026 from https://hongkongfp.com/2024/03/17/families-at-war-the-hong-kong-women-whose-parents-pressured-them-into-forced-marriages/